Barnabus Thing the Third
by Grell The Leper
Summary: Ronald has gained a new friend. Now if only he knew what it was. Grell and te others don't seems to know either, until William comes along to rain on their parade. Grelliam, and the slightest bit of EricxAlan. Oneshot.


_Wow, it's been so long since I've written any Grelliam. I just haven't been in the feel of things. But after finishing my Irish exams with two hours to spare, I had a lot of time on my hands, and this was the result. It's complete and utter crack. To the extremes. Sometimes I worry about my own mental state when I produce things like this. I would also like to thank ForTheGun, my fabulous Motivational Motivator, because if you hadn't posted that last Kuroshitsuji fic, chances are I wouldn't have gotten back into this._

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kuroshitsuji, the characters, or a dead fish. I should probably be thankful for that last part.**

**Barnabus Thing The Third**

Ronald mindlessly prodded and poked at the creature in his hands, ignoring the regular hustle and bustle of the office.

"You are the most boring thing I've ever met, you know," he muttered to it. "And I'm a Reaper, I know boring things when I see them." The creature continued to stare at him, saying nothing.

"Ronnie! Darling, what are you doing indoors when it's such a marvellous day outside!?" Grell demanded as he pranced into Ronald's office, sunglasses taking up half his face.

"Ask your boyfriend, he's the one making me work," Ronald sighed.

"He tries to do that to me too, y'know. It's best to continuously scream 'oppression' at him. He generally gives up after that," Grell nodded wisely to himself as he sat on Ronald's paperwork. "What's that you've got, Ronnie?"

"Oh, this guy? I'm not really sure, to be quite honest. I've been talking to this girl, Marlene, lately, and I told her I was bored in the office all day, so she gave me this thing. Crazy girl had it in a bowl of water though, how weird is that? So I saved the little guy, but he hasn't really done much since."

"Oh, no! Maybe he needs CPR!" Grell exclaimed.

"No, I tried that."

"Oh... He must be traumatised then! Maybe you should give him a holiday? Perhaps a martini?" Ronald nodded.

"Maybe you're right. I'll try that when I'm home, thanks Grell-senpai."

"Hey guys, what's that?" Grell let out a squeal as Alan and Eric decided to join in on their little discussion, giving the sickly Reaper an affectionate and overly squishy hug.

"I wish we knew," Ronald shrugged, once again diving into an explanation of how he came by the creature in his hands. "Do either of you have a martini lying around?"

* * *

William let out a sigh of frustration as he knocked on Grell's office door for the fifth time. No answer. Again.

"Honestly, Grell, I know you're opposed to all work related movement, but you could at least open the door- Oh." William burst into Grell's office to find nothing but an empty chair and a desk full of unfinished paperwork. This was the third time this had happened in as many minutes. After already finding both Eric's and Alan's offices to be empty, he had assumed they would be with Grell. Clearly, he had assumed wrong. "Ronald Knox," he muttered, heading towards the youngest Reaper's office.

* * *

"You should name him Barnabus! Barnabus Thing the Third!" Grell announced.

"Why is he the third? There's only one of him," Eric questioned.

"Because it sounds so much more sophisticated! Where's your sense of dramatic character, Eric, honestly!?"

"What on earth are you all doing?" The four Reapers turned towards the door where William stood, his eyebrow twitching.

"Hello, Will, darling!" Grell greeted him, jumping off the desk to wrap his arms around his lover. "We were just naming Ronald's new creature friend."

"... Creature friend? Am I supposed to know what you're talking about?" William sounded exasperated.

"Come, you must meet Barnabus Thing the Third!"

"Look, boss!" William glared down at the immobile creature in the young Reaper's hands.

"It's a fish. You know that, don't you? It's a goldfish," William stated, raising an imperial eyebrow at the foursome. "Why is it out of the water?"

"What? Why wouldn't it be, boss? It was in a bowl of water this morning, but I saved him," Ronald explained. William could feel a headache coming on.

"No, Knox, you didn't. It's dead. Fish live in water, and you've killed it. That's why it's not moving." Ronald's jaw dropped open as he looked at Barnabus in horror. Eric quietly consoled Alan as he cried on his shoulder. Grell promptly smacked William upside the head.

"William, how could you?! Why would you be so cold?" he screeched.

"He's a Reaper! He should know a dead thing when he sees one! ... You people are insane."

* * *

That evening, the Reapers gathered around to host a funeral for Barnabus Thing the Third.

"He was such a wonderful person," Grell sobbed into his handkerchief, his mascara running down his cheeks.

"He was a fish."

"Shut up, William!" The stoic Reaper massaged his temple yet again. Attending the funeral of a fish had not been on his To-Do list of the evening. Grell had. He had most certainly been on the To-Do list, but it looked like that was out the window.

"Boss, would you like to say a few words?" Ronald sniffled. William started to protest and was met with a swift kick from his lover's chunky heels. This was it. His redeeming moment. If he did this right, sex was still an option. If he did this wrong, he was going to be sent to the couch.

"I didn't know your fish, but I can try, I suppose," William sighed standing over the grave. "Barnaby, uh... Bartholomew... um..."

"Barnabus Thing the Third," Grell hissed from behind his handkerchief, quickly returning to his overly dramatic sobbing.

"Barnabus Thing the Third was a remarkable, hard-working fish," William started, hoping against hope that that would be enough. Judging by the four coworkers gazing up at him in despair, it certainly wasn't. "He was part of our little, working family. He will be sorely missed." William raised an eyebrow as the four Reapers wiped their eyes and hugged each other.

"That was so beautiful, Will," Grell cried. William was thankful that he didn't need to breathe, as he suspected that the following embrace would have crushed any human's lungs.

"Would you expect any less from me, Sutcliff? Anyway, now that that's over and done with..." William leaned down to whisper in his lover's ear, Grell's toothy grin widening with every word.

"Sounds delightful, darling," the redhead replied with a wink, hips wiggling as he turned to say goodbye to Ronald.

"Oh, the things I do for sex."

* * *

"Hey, Will?"

"Yes, Sutcliff, what is it?" William hoped it wasn't something ridiculous. He was still basking in the afterglow of their glorious escapades, and he did not want the mood to be ruined by something stupid.

"Do you think if you slowly exposed a fish to air, they'd adapt?" Too late. Mood ruined.

"No, Sutcliff. I don't think so."

"Can we dig him up and check?" William stared at Grell in exasperation before realising he was serious.

"Grell, Bartleby is dead. He's not going to adapt to anything."

"Well, he'll never adapt if you don't believe, William, and you won't even remember his name. It's Barnabus. Honestly, Will," Grell snapped.

"You're demented."

"So?"

"I love you."

**The End.**


End file.
